PORTLAND—A dramatic spike in perceived unattractiveness has left 17-year-old Kevin Harmon barricaded in his bedroom for three straight days. “Turns out, I’m uglier than I thought,” said Harmon, waving off his mother’s pleas to step outside, “I’m sorry, Mom, but this mug is quarantine material.”

The situation has only heightened, with Harmon issuing a public safety announcement via Instagram. “Let’s just say I’m a health hazard in HD,” posted the teenager, warning others to steer clear lest they catch a case of acute secondhand embarrassment.

Neighbor Fred Collins suggested a compromise: “Maybe he’s not grotesque enough for total isolation. However, might I suggest a paper bag as a stepping stone to the outside world?” Harmon’s mother remains hopeful but admits even a family dinner seems beyond reach. “We can only pray for a miracle or a filter.”