Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.

45 shares on Instagram this month:

Proudly doing my part to cause the male loneliness epidemic.

83 shares on Pinterest this month:

There aren’t any emojis that really express any meaningful sort of anguish.

11 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Kendrick inspires me to be a bigger, deeper, more passionate hater.

86 shares on Snapchat this month:

I’m gonna turn all this pain into something beautiful, like a poorly timed joke that makes everyone feel weird.

33 shares on Pinterest this month:

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

82 shares on WhatsApp this month:

I need a browser plugin that disables Amazon when I’m drinking. Hashtag: don’t drink and Prime.

32 shares on Pinterest this month:

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1,000 pictures you have of them sleeping.

91 shares on TikTok this month:

Today, I want to talk about how people’s houses smell funny, but mine doesn’t.

52 shares on Messenger this month:

The first time people saw a train coming at them, they ran away in terror.

30 shares on LinkedIn this month:

There’s an epidemic of people just staring at their phones in their parked cars.