45 funny five quotes - Wordgag

It’s finally actually Saturday after just thinking it was Saturday every day for the last five days.

May 29, 2026

Not to brag, but I boiled the right amount of pasta. Once. Five years ago.

May 29, 2026

US etiquette question: Do you need to tip the guy at the border who reads your last five years of social media history?

May 29, 2026

I talk to one guy, and he wants to break my heart. I talk to five guys, and they all wanna take me seriously.

May 29, 2026

There is literally no rule that says you have to get married and start a family. Normalize splitting a mansion with your five best friends and ten dogs.

May 28, 2026

Five out of six people find Russian Roulette to be a safe activity.

May 28, 2026

Saturday Night Fever, but it’s just me yelling, “Five, six, seven, eight!” while my cat lies down and refuses to participate.

May 28, 2026

Why does the weekend always feel like it lasts five minutes?

May 28, 2026

When a girl says “5 mins,” think about it like five minutes left in the 4th quarter, and both teams have all their timeouts.

May 28, 2026

I have no idea how dishwasher tablets work. I’ve already taken five of them, and I still don’t feel like doing the dishes!

May 28, 2026

I hate when people ask me, “What did you do today?” Like, buddy, listen, I woke up at noon and then it was five p.m., okay? I don’t know.

May 28, 2026

How I clean my room: 1. Start in one corner. 2. Find something from six years ago and stare at it nostalgically for five hours. 3. Go to bed.

May 28, 2026

I wait all week for the weekend just to aggressively do nothing in five different outfits.

May 28, 2026

Just got hired at Five Guys as the guy who punches the burger before they put it in the bag.

May 27, 2026

I miss whatever age I was when I thought five dollars was a lot of money.

May 27, 2026

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job.

May 27, 2026

89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great, what he really means is, “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

May 27, 2026

Where do you see yourself five beers from now? What’s your five-beer plan?

May 27, 2026

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon, which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

May 27, 2026

Imagine hating me, and I’m over here with one hand in my pocket, and the other one giving a high five.

May 26, 2026

All billionaires must submit a list of five things they did for society in the last week or their wealth shall be confiscated.

May 25, 2026

Your call is really important to us but first enjoy this clarinet number for the next seventy five minutes.

May 25, 2026

Three out of five times, my intuition is right. Not in casinos, though.

May 25, 2026

I’m too old to be jingling all the way, I’ll jingle til about five thirty.

May 24, 2026

Giving every single movie I watch a five star review because it’s just such a joy to be alive.

May 24, 2026

I have no desire to work now. I had five days off in a row where I dined at a feast and was entertained at a cinema. I have flown too high to return to a laptop.

May 24, 2026

It’s really hard to come back after a poorly executed high five.

May 24, 2026

I now have Taylor Swift as my alarm. Now I always wake up five minutes earlier so I don’t have to listen to it.

May 24, 2026

Went jogging and came back after five minutes because I forgot something. Forgot I’m out of shape.

May 23, 2026

Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a Christmas sweater on.

May 23, 2026

The first five days after the weekend are the worst.

May 22, 2026

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

May 22, 2026

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

May 22, 2026

If you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds.

May 21, 2026

Playing dumb for five minutes often saves a lot of work.

May 21, 2026

Job interview: Where do you see yourself in five years? Me: Hopefully on a sabbatical.

May 21, 2026

Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.

May 21, 2026

Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.

May 21, 2026

That awkward moment you can’t understand what somebody is saying after they have repeated it about five times.

May 20, 2026

The ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives).

May 20, 2026