Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

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I don’t know which aunty needs to hear this, but focus on your own child.

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The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that.

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I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

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I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age.

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Feels like the Chinese government turned up the power on the sleepy ray they use on me every morning.

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I wish berries were the size of apples. Just imagine for a second.

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Facebook is like a never-ending high school reunion.

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My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.

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Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t want to talk about it.

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Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.