Vote for me and I’ll remove all the calories from cheese.

Someone from 🇮🇸 has downloaded:

Partying hard on this Friday night, and by partying hard, I mean laying on my bed starfish-style.

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Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

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No matter how old you are, when the kitchen roll is empty, you have a telescope.

Someone from 🇧🇩 has downloaded:

Sometimes I feel useless but then I remember I breath out carbon dioxide for plants.

Someone from 🇦🇹 has downloaded:

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

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Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.

Someone from 🇳🇱 has copied:

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately knows what to do.

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Me: Please let me sleep! Brain: Nope, we have to stay up together and go over every bad life decision we have made so far.

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My desire to be informed is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane.

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Saturdays are for doing absolutely everything or doing absolutely nothing, everybody knows that.