When life gives you lemons, give them back and ask what the crap is all about.

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When God created the giraffe, he probably slipped with the mouse on the screen. This is how its neck was created.

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I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

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UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”

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You ran a half marathon? That’s really cool, I’ve almost finished a bunch of things, too.

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Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would you believe.

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In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways. In my 40’s: oh.

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You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

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Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.

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Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.

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Got so emotional thinking about the Toy Story aliens. They have each other.