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Have you ever just restarted the dryer because you didn’t feel like folding the clothes yet?

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Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working.

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Now if you’ll excuse me, today’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.

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I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

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Ever since I began sharing dad jokes, my followers have doubled in sighs.

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Wearing white pants today, so it’s really just a matter of time before I spill something on myself.

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Butterflies all seem so nice but I’ll bet some of them are real bastards.

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My dog is quite vain. Whenever the doorbell rings, he thinks it’s for him.

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The man who invented the Ferris wheel never met the man who invented the merry-go-round. They traveled in different circles.

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Can you imagine how hot I’d be if I ate right and took care of my body? I’m not gonna do it, but can you imagine?