PENSACOLA—In a bold maneuver described as “reverse-familial jiu jitsu,” Sandra Marston has reportedly upgraded her relationship status by transitioning from girlfriend to stepmother of her unfaithful partner, Todd Mitchell. “This is about setting boundaries and declaring who gets the top bunk,” Marston claimed while signing Christmas cards to herself. Sources report the new family dynamic has drastically lowered Mitchell’s chances of securing the Xbox during weekends.

Upon discovering her boyfriend’s infidelity, Marston swiftly pivoted toward a relationship with Mitchell’s father, Robert. “Dad seemed receptive to my overly mature approach,” Marston stated, casually asking Todd to do his homework before dessert. Observers noted the unexpected shift resulted in a Christmas dinner tension that outperformed last year’s family pie debate by a landslide.

In a sentimental twist, Todd has been spotted clinging to the title of “World’s Eighth-Best Madden Player” and watching his allowance get rerouted to keep Marston’s knitting habit well-financed. “Perhaps we can bond over lawn-mowing,” Todd remarked, adding another unclaimed chore to his list of questionable life choices. Experts predict the stepchild-stepmom scenario might incite a nationwide trend among scorned millennials and predict a sudden spike in suburban ‘family meetings.’