Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

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Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

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There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

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Sick and tired of these 30 mins weekends.

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By accepting their pardons, the turkeys are admitting guilt.

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I don’t have red flags, I have fun facts.

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I’m not an idiot anymore, universe, please stop with the lessons.

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The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.

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Sorry to any bands who see me yawn during their show. It’s not you, it’s just past 10pm.

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Imagine playing Truth or Dare and they dare you to go home.

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Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “I’ve been to a gift shop.”