Wooden pews are designed to maximize the shame of farting in church.

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If I say, “First of all,” run away, because I have prepared peer-reviewed research, data, and charts, and I will destroy you.

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Opinions are like air fryers. Everyone’s got one and they won’t stop banging on about them.

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Some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now I have to worry about Monday.

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Sorry I’m late, I got here as soon as I wanted to.

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I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis.

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I’m having a garage sale and hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

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In the future, there will be grandmas who can’t bake but have tattoos on their backs.

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“American Pope” sounds like the name of an Amazon prime original series you ignore.

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I don’t trust anyone who gets enraged over messed-up fast food orders.

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You ever spend the day with a skinny person and are like “ohhhh, that’s why you’re skinny”.