You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark. Yeah, me too.

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It’s called shitposting, Your Honor. You should try it sometimes; it’s liberating.

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I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.

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They’re called grown-ups because they groan every time they get up.

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I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

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Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?

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Sometimes I wish I could turn down the volume on certain people.

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Hey (with the intention of going to sleep).

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Ever ghost an entire event to avoid one ghost from your past?

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A month in Italy has halved my will to work and doubled my desire for money.

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I love saying “my man” and not his name, so when I get a new one, nobody knows.