You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”

30 shares on Facebook this month:

No Botox. I need to furrow my brow when people say dumb things.

19 shares on WhatsApp this month:

We do it every night. Annoy each other.

13 shares on Threads this month:

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

72 shares on Messenger this month:

I wish people had mute buttons in real life.

91 shares on Discord this month:

America’s national anthem should be changed to Welcome to the Jungle.

76 shares on Instagram this month:

A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.

83 shares on Snapchat this month:

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble.

55 shares on Threads this month:

I highly recommend having hobbies, it distracts you from falling in love unnecessarily.

72 shares on Snapchat this month:

Men are like dogs. They’re actually cute, but having my own would be too much work for me.

73 shares on Telegram this month:

You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.