You want to know how old you really feel? Stop drinking caffeine and popping Ibuprofen. Then, just wait.

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I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

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This whole week could have been an email.

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The ugliest version of me is the version that comes out when I play board games. I don’t know who she is, but she is a monster. She is not fit for human interaction.

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I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.

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What bootlickers fail to understand is that the boot eventually comes for them too.

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The shower is the only one who gets turned on when I’m naked.

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When exactly does wisdom kick in? I feel like I’m just getting older.

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Just flipped my mattress, should have woken up my wife first.

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I’m blunt because the universe rolled me that way.

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Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.