Funny diet jokes prove that trying to eat healthy is a full-time comedy show 🥗🍩. Funny diet jokes capture everything from salad disasters and sneaky cheat meals to counting calories while dreaming of pizza 🍕🧮. Whether you’re on your first diet, a lifelong “occasionally healthy” eater, or just in it for the snacks, these jokes highlight the hilariously impossible struggle of sticking to a plan 😅🥑.
New funny diet jokes
- That moment when it’s January in a couple of weeks, and you realize you are still trying to lose weight from last January.
- Eating dark chocolate is practically eating vegetables.
- Eating healthy requires a second job.
- Accidentally said I was on a diet instead of in a calorie deficit, and now everyone knows I’m from the 1900s.
- Whatever happened calorically this weekend can never happen again.
- Shutting up is gluten-free. Maybe add that to your diet, princess.
- Fun fact: Did you know that removing junk food from your diet can help you lose up to 90% of your will to live?
- Diet Coke is just a fridge cigarette.
- Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
- Yesterday, I went to the grocery store, and I managed to come home without any junk food. Now, I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Top funny diet jokes
- I’m planning to eat the rich, but can I sub out fries for a salad?
- Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids, knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
- I am on a diet where you just speak Italian: “Pasta,” “Pizza,” and “I’m leaving Rooma for dessert.”
- Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t want to talk about it.
- Feeling weird from my cookie-based diet.
- It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.
- Not eating the cookie I’m craving. I better wake up skinny tomorrow.
- The toughest part of being a vegan is keeping it to yourself.
- Marriage is 33.3% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
- I’ve started eating healthier and exercising if you’re wondering why I’m in such a crappy mood all of a sudden.
Popular funny diet jokes
- Being skinny may be nice, but chicken nuggets are even nicer.
- The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat. It’s watching what other people eat.
- How to have flat stomach: remove all of your organs.
- I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
- Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
- Don’t blame the holidays, you were already overweight in August.
- I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
- Ctrl Alt delete my fat.
- If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
- Never eat more than you can lift.
More funny diet jokes
- Carrots are a great thing to eat when you’re hungry, and want to stay that way.
- I followed a diet but it didn’t follow me back, so I unfollowed it.
- Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
- I love how these vegans still drink water. That’s a fish’s house!
- I’m on that new diet where you eat anything you want and you pray for a miracle.
- Wanted to update everybody on my diet. I’ve decided it’s okay to be fat.
- My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
- Being on a diet isn’t so bad if you don’t follow it.
- I like how “energy bars” are really just candy bars, and we all pretend to not notice.
- Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
Witty diet jokes
- During winter, it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting.
- Of course I intermittently fast. That’s when I sleep.
- I have no beef with vegetarians.
- I didn’t mean to gain weight. It happened by snaccident.
- Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.
- I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
- Gonna finish eating all these Christmas cookies so I’m no longer tempted to eat them.
- When I was a kid, we still ate noodles. Then at some point we ate pasta. Today, we only eat carbs.
- The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
- I’ve decided to cut my carbs… into smaller pieces before eating them.
Funny diet jokes remind us that food rules are meant to be laughed at 🍰🥦. From craving chaos and accidental indulgences to gym guilt and snack negotiations 🍫💪, dieting is always funnier with humor. Share these jokes, enjoy a treat (or two), and remember: life tastes better when you can laugh at your diet 🤣.