50+ Funny Everyone Jokes That’ll Make the Whole World Laugh

New funny everyone jokes

• I automatically assume everyone finds me unattractive until they tell me otherwise, and then I assume that they are lying to make fun of me.

• I may be sensitive, but everyone else could be a little kinder, too.

• Nobody bools anymore. In high school, everyone was booling.

• Why does everyone force introverts to leave their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut up for a while?

• I know so many people with cats, and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat. Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like, ‘Yeah, he just moved in.’

• Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.

• I calculated my December budget and realized everyone is getting a hug for Christmas.

• In a packed elevator, everyone is silent. Stomach: I will now demonstrate the mating call of a whale.

• Better to be a wolf that everyone hates, than a donkey that everyone rides.

• Everyone you don’t like in your personal and professional life is a narcissist.

Top funny everyone jokes

• I’m gonna turn all this pain into something beautiful, like a poorly timed joke that makes everyone feel weird.

• Accidentally said I was on a diet instead of in a calorie deficit, and now everyone knows I’m from the 1900s.

• Gender and sexuality aside, I believe everyone just wants someone who wears short shorts and makes a lot of noise in bed.

• Don’t ever let a recipe tell you how much cheese you need to add, everyone knows cheese is measured with the heart.

• The problem with believing that nothing matters except you, is that eventually everyone will just leave you alone to take extra special care of yourself.

• Sitting in a room with my husband and kids… Suddenly I realize everyone here has been in my vagina. Wow.

• After my funeral, I want one of my friends to take my phone and text everyone, “Thanks for coming.”

• If my house is clean, just know I yelled at everyone for two hours first.

• Good morning to everyone except people who sit right next to you when there’s a whole room full of empty seats.

• Not gonna lie, I just assume everyone is AI now.

Popular funny everyone jokes

• They say an apple a day keeps a doctor away. But what do I need to eat to keep everyone away?

• I love when people say “be yourself,” like I haven’t already been doing that and scaring everyone off.

• I’m getting to the age where it’s rude to pull out a bottle of ibuprofen if I don’t have enough for everyone.

• Everyone focused on the lip filler, but it’s really the chin filler that is the real villain.

• Let’s draft everyone who has their phone on military time first, since you’re all so eager.

• To everyone who opens the fridge, stares, and closes it hoping new snacks will appear… You’re my people.

• I do my best to kill everyone with kindness, but they don’t seem to be dying.

• Common sense isn’t a gift. It’s a punishment, because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

• Everyone wants the bagel to be everything, but no one asks if the bagel needs anything.

• Going to have a hobbit boi summer (throw a huge birthday party for myself, then mysteriously vanish right after insulting everyone).

More funny everyone jokes

• I stop myself at least twice a day from posting a status that would make everyone grab popcorn.

• Sticking googly eyes on a potato and introducing him to everyone as my new boyfriend.

• Everyone is getting pregnant or married, and I’m back to “What’s your favorite color?“

• I speak for everyone when I say that finding the balance between watching movies, watching TV shows, and playing video games is harder than any job.

• I refuse to be bound by the social construct called “the calendar.” Merry Christmas, everyone.

• My unemployed neighbor with an unlimited firework budget would like to wish everyone a happy 9th of July.

• I want a restraining order on everyone who doesn’t wear deodorant.

• Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn-on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud,’ but they will be, oh, they will be.

• The sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time.

• Every day, I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

Witty everyone jokes

• Men have nice skin because they stress out everyone but themselves.

• Shoutout to everyone who works hard to support their dog’s extravagant lifestyle.

• Yeah, no worries, man. You just showed everyone that you have a lot of resentments bubbling underneath, but otherwise, it was a cool evening.

• “You handled it so well.” Nah, I didn’t. I lost my spark, felt crazy, distanced myself from everyone, and hated myself.

• Got possessed by a demon once, and everyone was like, “OMG, did you do something with your hair?”

• The only guarantee in life is, if you run errands looking like shit, you will run into everyone you haven’t seen in months.

• Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living, but it’s too late to ask.

• Happy birthday to everyone, for the rest of your lives. I can’t do this anymore.

• Shoutout to everyone who can’t keep up with the laundry or the dishes but decided it was a great idea to start gardening.

• Good morning to everyone who doesn’t get on my nerves.