I could win awards for having a bad memory. In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

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Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.

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At least 80% of my day is spent holding back my inappropriate thoughts.

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My favorite childhood memory is having energy.

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Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad.

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Girl math is avoiding shipping costs by buying more.

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“You look happy.” Thanks, I stopped dating.

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Good morning. May your day be as beautiful as I am.

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Women love it when you approach them on the street and say “whoa, is there a hot babe convention in town?”

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Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages. This is called the Wurst Käse scenario.

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I’m uncomfortable around tall people. What if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders?