I don’t need the web for attention, I jog in a wedding dress.

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Halloween pumpkins look even scarier if you just use the ones from last year.

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Introducing two cats is tedium. Not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already.

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Know what goes good with beer? Another one.

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Cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado.

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I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt. This isn’t what I wanted.

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Your eyes water when you yawn because you miss your bed and it makes you sad.

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Dear recipe websites. I don’t need your life story. Just give me the recipe.

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So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Steve, he has never been questioned”

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Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats.

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Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep.