That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test.

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Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do, and somehow we must all watch videos of it.

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The only thing smart about you is your wisdom tooth.

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It sure is strange that after Tuesday the rest of the week spells WTF.

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Not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

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A big part of my job as a parent is moving things away from the edges of countertops.

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Never trust someone who can eat 24/7 but is still skinny.

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I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

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Standing on a scale and thinking: so much wisdom and inner beauty can’t be light.

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Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

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Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.