A few months after the wedding, Cinderella’s husband began to complain about her having too many shoes.

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If I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.

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“Turn down for what?” My ears, fella. My ears.

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When someone dies people say “he’s going to meet his Maker”. No he’s not. God doesn’t mingle with the staff.

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The struggle to get off the couch and into bed is real.

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Sometimes the best thing about my job is that my chair turns.

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I’d rather you don’t watch me while I’m liking my own post.

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Being on a diet isn’t so bad if you don’t follow it.

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That moment when you dip your cookie in milk for too long and it breaks off, then you wonder why bad things happen to good people.

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The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

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Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become your problem.