Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner, but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

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Just because you are unique, doesn’t mean you are useful.

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God sends you an only child as a friend to test you.

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I just tried on my summer wardrobe. The only thing I managed to get into was a state of panic.

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I came, I saw, I was disappointed, so I left.

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If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice.

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The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one-night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

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Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

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That moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.

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Let’s go out for carrots sometime.

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My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.