50+ Funny House Quotes That Prove Homeownership Is A Comedy Routine

New funny house quotes

• People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.

• From now on, I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy just for their visit. It was hard, but I got it done.

• It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out.

• When I’m dying, please rush me to the nearest haunted house. I don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

• I have two reactions when I leave the house: Ew, the people. Ew, the weather.

• People who live in glass houses shouldn’t change clothes.

• Getting the house to yourself for a night is basically winning the lottery.

• American homes are so strange because, why is your front door in the living room?

• I can clean the whole house if I want to, but if someone asks me to do it, suddenly I’m lazy.

• Every house has a smell that only the people living in it don’t smell.

Top funny house quotes

• Me, having zero balance in my account, viewing houses worth 10 million, and being like, “No, I don’t like the kitchen.”

• Every day when I get home, I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.

• Don’t come to my house unannounced; I will stare at you from my window.

• I do block people right away; you’re not going to stress me out on my own phone, with my own internet, and in my own house.

• Landlord: I’m raising your rent. Me: Am I getting a bigger house?

• The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse, probably.

• I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs.

• Seeing people exercising outside my house really motivated me to get up and close the blinds.

• The worst thing you can do when cleaning your house is “sit down for a minute.”

• Does everyone in the world want to come to my house tomorrow?

Popular funny house quotes

• I love it when my dog suddenly gets up and goes to another part of the house. Did you just remember you left the stove on or something?

• We work all week to work some more around the house all weekend long. Isn’t life grand?

• If you have an old house, but you haven’t got a ghost, you should complain to the estate agent.

• Remember, you don’t have to worry about being around annoying people in public if you never leave the house.

• I hate when a guy asks “can you cook?” Can you build a house?

• Every time I have to leave the house and be around people I remember why I hate having to leave the house and be around people.

• If you wave your keys in front of a giant house, people will think you own it.

• My best friend is married and buying a house. I ate popcorn for dinner.

• Rappers be making you feel guilty for no reason at all: “You was in the house eating dinner while I was in the streets hungry”. Like my fault, bro.

• Can’t believe we used to throw eggs at houses, and now we can afford neither eggs nor houses.

More funny house quotes

• You know you’re over 40 when you clean your house to the music you used to get drunk to.

• I left the house with wet hair and no makeup on, so I’m sure I’ll run into everyone I know.

• The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

• Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house.

• I childproofed my house but the kids still get in somehow.

• Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch episodes of hoarders on TV and then I think “Wow, my house looks awesome!”

• Why can’t the house clean itself? It seems to get dirty by itself.

• The main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the objects and furniture in the house are in the correct place.

• Girls be like “forget it, I’m fine” then set your house on fire.

• April fools prank: replace all the sugar in your house with cocaine.

Witty house quotes

• If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I’d just laugh and search with them.

• You ever get into such a weird mood you have to put yourself on house arrest for a couple days?

• People who wear jeans for fun around their house have bodies buried in their backyard.

• You can learn a lot about a person by observing their every waking movement from a tree outside their house.

• Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.

• No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened, I’ll just look at my 401k.

• I love how these vegans still drink water. That’s a fish’s house!

• You know you’re an introvert when you want to go home before even leaving the house.

• Life hack: If you never leave the house you don’t have to worry about running into someone you don’t want to talk to.

• They should let me go inside everyones house just to see.

Funny house quotes remind us that owning or living in a house is full of little dramas that turn into hilarious stories 🤣. From squeaky doors 🚪 to appliances that only break when you need them most 🛠️, every house keeps you guessing 🙃. These quotes are perfect for anyone who’s ever stared at a home project and thought, “How hard can it be?” (famous last words 😂). So embrace the mess, laugh at the repairs, and enjoy the comedy that comes with every house 🤪!