New funny Christmas quotes

• The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

• Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting well wishes for Christmas.

• All I want for Christmas this year is the housing market to crash, so I could buy a 5-bedroom, 4-bathroom house for $3.

• Eating Halloween candy and putting up my Christmas tree because nothing matters anymore.

• This year has gone by so quick. Christmas is basically tomorrow.

• August is almost over. September is next week. Time to pick out a Halloween costume and start your Christmas shopping. Happy New Year, everybody.

• Not a gold digger, but the other night a woman told me her grandpa owns a Christmas tree farm. That shit had me rubbing my hands like a fly.

• Let’s call it a year. I’ve had enough. Merry Christmas, y’all.

• I’m not saying I’m old, but when I was in school, we made our parents ashtrays for Christmas.

• It’s not jingling to you that I’m standing on Christmas.

Top funny Christmas quotes

• I refuse to be bound by the social construct called “the calendar.” Merry Christmas, everyone.

• Using my one phone call to call Santa.

• What we need is an evil Santa who steals our children’s most annoying toys.

• I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for the toys on Christmas morning. The sound is still ringing in my ears.

• Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

• Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down. You’re almost there.

• Every time we try to eat healthy, along comes Christmas, Easter, summer, Friday, or Tuesday, and ruins it for us.

• Santa saw your Facebook posts. This year you’re getting a dictionary.

• The week between Christmas and New Year’s should be studied as it is clearly a wormhole, disturbing time and space.

• My problem with Christmas shopping is that I keep seeing things that I like… for me.

Popular funny Christmas quotes

• Everyone who got my kids board games for Christmas, when are you coming back to play with them?

• Eating cookies left for Santa because the cowboy was a no show.

• Having Christmas off in the middle of the work week and then forcing us to go back to work the next day feels so illegal.

• Now that Christmas and New Year are out of the way, we can focus on the things that really matter: My posts.

• Putting away the Christmas tree. Sad day for cats.

• I wonder if Mary and Joseph hated putting away the Christmas stuff as much as I do.

• I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

• Can’t wait for my husband to see what he bought everyone for Christmas.

• This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.

• Wishing all the contacts in my phone “Merry Christmas, I hope you get what you deserve” and just letting that work itself out.

More funny Christmas quotes

• Pretty cool that we all come together on Christmas and celebrate the birth of Santa.

• Sleeping nakey nakey nakey just in case Santa wants a different type of cookie tonight.

• Sorry I’m late. I was scraping the clearance tag off your Christmas present.

• Gonna finish eating all these Christmas cookies so I’m no longer tempted to eat them.

• Santa: “Don’t leave me milk. Leave me whiskey.”

• Everyone knows that Christmas is the celebration of the immaculate conception of Mariah Carey.

• I’ll be home for Christmas, because that’s where I live.

• When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent.

• “Santa isn’t real!” Okay, I literally just saw him at the mall.

• Christmas is coming and you’re not.

Witty Christmas quotes

• l identify as a Christmas tree. Lit on the outside, dead on the inside.

• Closing down one work tab every day until Christmas like a reverse advent calendar.

• Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”

• Іf Empire Strikes Back isn’t a Christmas movie, then why is there so much snow in it?

• Jingle all the way? In this economy?

• I handed in my exam blank so that the teacher has more time to celebrate Christmas with her family.

• If cats could send Christmas cards, they wouldn’t.

• I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

• If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people.

• Christmas is the season of giving, and I’m giving up for good.

Funny Christmas quotes remind us that while the holidays are full of cheer 🎅, they also come with plenty of laugh-out-loud moments 🤣. Whether it’s wrapping paper disasters 🎀, awkward family photos 📸, or that one relative who always takes things too far 🙃, Christmas delivers endless comedy. These quotes are perfect for anyone who loves the festive chaos as much as the holiday spirit 🤪. So hang the stockings, brace for the madness, and enjoy the hilariously imperfect joy of Christmas 🎉!