New funny daily quotes

• Me every time I wake up: Oh no, not again!

• I don’t have mirrors in my house. I mean, who wants to see disappointment everyday?

• If only my bank balance was as high as my daily calorie intake.

• At bedtime, I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

• I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on.

• My morning routine includes 20 minutes of staring at the ceiling thinking about how tired I am and debating if I really need to live today.

• I’m retired. I was tired yesterday and I’m tired again today.

• So crazy to just be living every day through the slow-motion car crash of escalating fascism, and it’s still like, “Aww, man, I have to go to the dentist.”

• Girl, I’m bored. Let’s start drinking the daily recommended 10-15 cups of water.

• Being an adult is spending every day looking at a pill bottle, wondering, “Did I take this already?”

Top funny daily quotes

• Washing your face is actually multitasking because you are also washing your hands and forearms and shirt and countertop and feet and floor and hair.

• The worst thing about being an adult is that you have to be one every single day.

• The lioness does not concern herself with the pile of clothes she moves between bed and chair every day.

• Reminder that you need to be scrolling all day to monitor the situation.

• I think everyone should get $500 deposited into their accounts every day, just for waking up.

• My plans for today? Same as always, drink coffee and be sexy.

• Is it socially acceptable to wear pajamas all day if you’re constantly holding a coffee cup?

• Moms be like, “I needed this,” and it’s really just a break from being the one who holds it all together every single day.

• I actually check my emails every day in hopes I’m going to get some life-changing news someday.

• Another day of waking up cute instead of wealthy, so I guess I have to go to work.

Popular funny daily quotes

• My southern family thinks my daily routine in NYC is that I wake up, try really hard not to get stabbed by a knife, and then I go see a musical.

• After a lot of experience, I can conclude that one can never actually cross “washing dishes” off the to-do list.

• Mid-life crisis? No, no, mid-day crisis. Something happens every day.

• When you’re a parent, your skincare routine is just the steam from the dishwasher when you open it to find the coffee cup you just needed.

• Thank you, God, for another day. Let’s get this 12-hour screen time.

• I regret to inform you that we must all once again figure out what to make for dinner tonight.

• Today, I started a 28-day no-swearing challenge, which I will restart tomorrow.

• So heartbreaking to do laundry and realize you can’t wash the clothes you’re literally wearing right now… you will never have a completely fresh start.

• A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

• Leaving your house and returning back safely is such an underrated blessing.

More funny daily quotes

• Do people exist who manage to wash, dry, fold, and put away their laundry in the same day?

• I can’t wait to open my phone tomorrow and find out what we’re mad about next.

• The morning routine that takes the longest: finding the will to live.

• Having a job is crazy. When you’re at home, you feel lonely and want to go to work. When you’re at work, you’re exhausted and just want to go home.

• Each day on Twitter, there is one main character. The goal is to never be it.

• Every single morning, I have to get out of bed and do things, and it’s bullshit.

• Work beers should be a daily thing.

• Gonna toot my own horn here because I made it through another day without turning any of my feelings into felonies.

• Some people are living bowel movement to bowel movement.

• I wear a lot of clothes for someone who hates doing laundry.

Witty daily quotes

• Walking that line between “The internet is great” and “The internet is a mistake” daily.

• Imagine hating me, and I’m just here unloading my dishwasher.

• No better feeling than getting home and realizing you forgot the one thing you went out for.

• Wake up, there’s overthinking to be done.

• Daily reminder that you’re biologically programmed to get laid, eat good food, connect with other humans, and enjoy yourself. Everything else is literally made up.

• Forgetting to put jewelry and perfume on is literally the worst feeling.

• It feels like it costs $100 a day just to exist anymore.

• Beginning my getting out of bed journey this morning.

• I am “We read the newspaper front to back every single day,” years old.

• The sheer audacity of life to ask anything of me today.

Funny daily quotes remind us that while every day may start with good intentions 📅, it usually takes unexpected turns that leave us laughing 🤣. Whether it’s daily frustrations 🚦, hilarious distractions 📱, or awkward social interactions 🗣️, life keeps handing us reasons to chuckle. These quotes are perfect for anyone who knows that getting through the day often feels like starring in a sitcom 🙃. So embrace the randomness, laugh at the routines, and enjoy the never-ending comedy of daily life 🤪!