My favorite conspiracy theory is that things will get better.

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Spotify has got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.

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Sorry I’m unavailable… the horrors of reality insist upon themselves.

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Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.

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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep, not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

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“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.

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Your hoodie strings are uneven. Go home and get your shit together!

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If I were a category, I’d be “miscellaneous.”

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If I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.

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Sometimes our greatest achievement in life is being able to survive our own thoughts.

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Thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess.