WINDSOR—A recent study conducted by experts at the Windsor Institute of Social Dynamics reveals that incessantly checking one’s phone every minute correlates strongly with the unsettling suspicion that nobody truly cares. “We’ve found that those checking phones most often are typically the same individuals waiting for a text from their dog,” noted lead researcher Dr. Imogen Lyell. “It seems incessant phone checking is a desperate, yet futile, plea for validation.”

Researchers observed that alert fatigue sets in after approximately the 237th time the love-seeking individual swipes down their notification bar. “These folks keep hoping their crush will like their post, but really their only notifications are from Mom asking if they’ve eaten vegetables,” Dr. Lyell explained. “Ironically, this behavior only seems to confirm their deep-seated belief that nobody truly cares.”

The study concludes that the human behavior of compulsively checking one’s phone can only be remedied by adopting more fulfilling sources of affirmation. “Our recommendation is to turn off notifications and instead plan a night out with an actual living, breathing plant,” said Dr. Lyell. “After all, a hibiscus might not text you, but at least it won’t leave you on read.”