BIRMINGHAM—Local man Jerry Mathews announced today that he has officially unfollowed his rigorous diet after it failed to reciprocate any of his engagement. “I really poured my heart into liking each calorie count, but it never once hit me back,” said Mathews, adding that the relationship felt too one-sided.

With no diet in the picture, Jerry now spends his time consuming clickbait articles about extravagant foods. “I assume my old diet is lurking my feed as I gorge on triple chocolate ice cream posts,” remarked Mathews. Rumors have it that Jerry’s social circle encourages the diet to reach out for closure.

In an unexpected twist, Mathews began receiving DMs from numerous fad diets. “The Keto diet sent a pic, all hashtags and no substance,” he explained, perplexed at how diets have become as desperate as influencers thirsting for sponsorships. Despite this, Jerry remains optimistic, knowing his corset of resolutions will inevitably loosen, yet waiting for one diet to confess its undying love.