BIRMINGHAM—In a bold move to prevent existential crises, local resident Bill Faircloth has asked that questions like “are you at home?” come with GPS coordinates. “Knowing my exact location would really help me decide if I should answer ‘yes,'” he confessed, noting that it gets problematic by the porch swing.

Faircloth argued that without specific geographical data, he often second-guesses his own existence. “Sometimes I think I’m home, but maybe I’m in a liminal space between my front yard and the neighbor’s barking Chihuahuas,” he explained while scrolling tirelessly through property lines on Google Maps.

In response, Faircloth has devised a new app called “Home or Not,” which he claims will pinpoint your precise geo-position and text back ‘yes’ or ‘no’ in under a millisecond. Though some critics point out that asking ‘Am I home?’ might be a deeper philosophical question, Faircloth insists, “I just want to know if I should put on pants.”