New funny bed jokes

• I saw an ad for the ultimate dog bed, but my dogs already have the ultimate dog bed. It’s called my bed.

• Beds are always the coziest when it’s time to get up and you don’t want to.

• It’s not sleeping alone if there are crumbs in your bed.

• First date idea: you bring me coffee in bed, and we snuggle all morning.

• Gender and sexuality aside, I believe everyone just wants someone who wears short shorts and makes a lot of noise in bed.

• I absolutely loooooove getting in the bed. The excitement of finally laying down? Unmatched.

• When you realize your punishments as a kid (stay home, take a nap, no junk food, go to bed early) are now your goals as an adult.

• Beginning my getting out of bed journey this morning.

• Sorry, can’t go out tonight. My bed told me it needs me, and I can’t let it down.

• How I clean my room: 1. Start in one corner. 2. Find something from six years ago and stare at it nostalgically for five hours. 3. Go to bed.

Top funny bed jokes

• The empty side of your bed is for books and chocolate, not for liars who snore.

• Forget hot girl summer, it’s rot girl summer (laying in bed, reading books, laying under layers of soft blankets).

• I can’t wait to go to bed, get terrible sleep, and wake up exhausted with a sore back.

• Just found out it don’t matter how early I go to bed, I just don’t wanna go to work.

• I called the cops on my own party, because I was ready to go to bed.

• So excited to go to bed and have the worst sleep of my life, and wake up exhausted and aching.

• Love crawling into bed like it’s a spa retreat, only to wake up like I survived a bar fight.

• I don’t understand why people have to “get ready for bed.” I am always ready for bed.

• I miss my bed. Why does it have to be so far from where I work?

• Hey, sorry I can’t go out tonight. I already showered and got into bed, and now I’m busy rubbing my feet together like a little grasshopper.

Popular funny bed jokes

• The sound of rain outside when you’re in bed is elite.

• A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.

• Current situation: lying in bed, trying to manifest breakfast.

• How can I be expected to get out of bed when I don’t want to?

• Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours.

• Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics.

• The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.

• If you call me “daddy” in bed, I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room.

• Partying hard on this Friday night, and by partying hard, I mean laying on my bed starfish-style.

• I’ve been blocked, unfollowed, and unfriended, but I’ve never been told I’m bad in bed.

More funny bed jokes

• The earlier you wake up, the more time you have to think about why you wish you were still asleep in bed.

• The best part about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that bed of yours – left, right, middle.

• The empty spot in your bed is for snacks, not liars.

• Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard.

• “You let your cat on the bed?” I would put her on my life insurance.

• For someone who loves to sleep so much, you’d think I’d go to bed earlier.

• Not sure who needs to hear this, but make your bloody bed.

• Current relationship status: sleeping diagonally across the bed.

• To bed then. To bed with you! Guards, take him to my bed!

• The struggle to get off the couch and into bed is real.

Witty bed jokes

• Brushing your teeth at night is a hellish chore. Walking from bed to bathroom feels harder than working in the mines all day. I’m getting pissed just thinking about it.

• Everyone deserves a day to lie in bed naked and be anti-social. Just sayin’.

• You look like the type of person that would fart in bed and Dutch Oven yourself.

• Problematic bed time gap relationship.

• I woke up, got out of bed, and had coffee. I think that’s enough for one day.

• I love my bed so much, what a place.

• Coming back to your own bed after a few days away is peak coziness.

• Going to bed early is easy, going to sleep early is a whole other set of problems.

• Roses are red, I’m staying in bed. I’ve made no plans, besides pretending I’m dead.

• Being excited to get in bed really is a different level of adulting.