If she tells you, she’s got a man, keep trying. Loyal women don’t even reply.

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After I get irritated, it takes me about 2 hours to fix my face.

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I don’t always leave the house, but when I do, I shouldn’t.

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The worst part about borrowing money is having to pay it back or move to a new city.

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You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

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Those eyes ain’t gonna roll itself, let me help you.

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Blink if you want me!

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They need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis.

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In the 80s, if you woke up feeling thirsty, you could drink some of your waterbed.

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I wish I was mysterious, but unfortunately I just can’t keep my mouth shut.

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“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town?