Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough.

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Summer is the time when it’s too hot to do what it was too cold to do in winter.

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My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.

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One day you’ll find someone who’s obsessed with you. It’ll probably be a demon but that’s what it is.

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Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate.

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So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs. Pretty disappointed in them ever since though.

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I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering.

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Good morning only to those who duel at dawn, drink at dusk, and haunt their lovers in between.

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Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle.

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If there’s ever an alien invasion, I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

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We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun not to be able to open that drawer.