As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

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If you think my posts are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy.

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While the optimist and pessimist argued about the glass of water, the opportunist drank it.

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Monday has a personal vendetta against my happiness.

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I just need a little time to warm up to you, and then I’ll be super fun, I promise—1-2 years at most.

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Honestly, I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.

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The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”.

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Take my advice, I’m not using it.

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I wish every day had 30,000 hours, and that I had unlimited Adderall and was unemployed.

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I still can’t believe Aldi sells shopping carts for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

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It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids.