Common sense is so rare these days that it should be considered a superpower.

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I wanted to wear some hot lingerie, but didn’t have any, so I put on this red dental floss.

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“Delusional” ain’t a strong enough word to describe people anymore.

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It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

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Airplanes are so weird because how does a giant metal box stay in the air like that, and why am I craving tomato juice?

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I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

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Blocking people isn’t enough. I need their favorite TV show to get cancelled.

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I hate when I change the battery in the bathroom scale, and it starts telling the truth again.

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I walked into a holiday party, saw someone else already playing with the dog, and realized they’d stolen my entire social strategy.

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That moment your alarm clock goes off in the morning and you don’t know whether to get dressed or fake an illness.

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“I’m not falling for that again,” I say, as I’m about to fall for whatever that is again.