Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

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I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

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Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.

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Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.

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If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

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I used to mix Mountain Dew with the cheapest vodka I could find, and I called it the Blood of Mannaroth because it’s green and turns you into an orc.

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My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.