For a long time, I didn’t know what to do with my strange thoughts. Then I signed up for Facebook.

Someone from 🇬🇹 has downloaded:

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said, “Don’t text and drive.”

Someone from 🇨🇾 has downloaded:

Third wheeling with two girls who are best friends is so much worse than third wheeling a couple.

Someone from 🇬🇷 has copied:

I can’t wait until I’m old enough to pretend I can’t hear.

Someone from 🇻🇺 has downloaded:

My favorite dance move is trying to get out of my own way.

Someone from 🇸🇧 has downloaded:

I’m in my thirties, but I still feel like I am in my twenties; then I hang out with people in their twenties, and I’m like nope, definitely in my thirties.

Someone from 🇱🇻 has viewed:

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologize to me immediately.

Someone from 🇲🇬 has copied:

Toothache and heartache comes from the same thing, which is something sweet.

Someone from 🇧🇼 has viewed:

I dare you to try and be more single than me.

Someone from 🇱🇦 has bookmarked:

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

Someone from 🇧🇦 has bookmarked:

If you’re feeling a little uneasy about the state of global geopolitics, remember to spend as much time on your phone as possible. The more information you ingest as you scroll, the calmer you will become.