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If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I'd just laugh and search with them.
Jan 19, 2025
If you can't handle me while I'm broke, then you don't deserve me when I have $600.
Jan 19, 2025
Some people spend a fortune so they can circle the world. I drink some beer and the world circles around me.
Jan 19, 2025
When the executioner asks me what my final words are, I’m just going to start filibustering.
Jan 19, 2025
I don't care what other people think of me, at least mosquitoes find me attractive.
Jan 19, 2025
Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.
Jan 19, 2025
Napping is the best activity for weight loss, because I can't eat anything when I'm asleep!
Jan 19, 2025
If you listen closely, you can hear me not caring.
Jan 19, 2025
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question, but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Jan 19, 2025
Zombies only eat brains, so you are safe.
Jan 19, 2025