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I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are.
Gonorrhea would’ve been a great name for diarrhea medicine.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I used to have a great future in my past.

More funny great quotes 👇

5 months ago
Share →: “Bye, have a great day, I’ll see you after school”, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch.

Commentary:
"Sending off the orange with big expectations for its day at school! 🍊📚 May it avoid getting 'squished' in the lunchbox drama. See you later, citrus friend! 😄 #SchoolLunchAdventures"
5 months ago
Share →: If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?

Commentary:
"Hydration: the ultimate balancing act between feeling like a well-moisturized plant and having a bladder that's more demanding than a diva on a bad day 🚰😡💦 #HydrationIssues"
5 months ago
Share →: I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

Commentary:
"Well, looks like someone hit the rewind button on the week! 🔄 It's like a plot twist you never saw coming! 😅 Hang in there, the weekend is just around the corner! 🎉"
5 months ago
Share →: Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

Commentary:
Ah, who needs to find love when you can find the perfect rhythm merging into traffic instead? 🚗💨 Forget about slow dancing, slow traffic-picking is where it's at! 😅 #TrafficJamThrills
5 months ago
Share →: Boss: You’ll never find another job like this. Me: That’d be great.

Commentary:
Boss: You'll never find another job like this.

Me: That'd be great! 🤣🙌 Nothing quite like breaking free from the mundane, am I right? Time to spread my wings and find a job where Fridays are celebrated and the coffee doesn't taste like regret. Good luck to me! 🕺🚀 #NewJobHunt
5 months ago
Share →: Public transportation is great, but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle.

Commentary:
"Ah, the dream of a solo mobile throne cruising through the city like a lone ranger! 🚗💨 Who needs crowded buses when you can have a personal chauffeur blasting your favorite tunes? 🎶 Just make sure your imaginary driver doesn't get sassy with backseat driving! 😜"
5 months ago
Share →: If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB?

Commentary:
"Ah, the age-old question: If the USA is the land of innovation, why did someone invent the USB? 🤔 Maybe they just wanted to plug in and play… 🇺🇸💾 #TechnologyJokes"
5 months ago
Share →: Having little kids is great because I love spending hundreds of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can.

Commentary:
"Parenting tip: Want to lose weight? Just have kids. You'll skip the gym and burn calories chasing after food scraps and discarded snacks all day! 🏃‍♂️💸🗑️ #ParentingStruggles #FloorFoodies"
5 months ago
Share →: I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are.

Commentary:
Ah, the pressure of marriage, where love meets performance anxiety! 💍🎤 Just remember, if your partner's speech is lacking, they can always blame it on nerves or forgetfulness… hopefully not on actually regretting saying "I do"! 😅👰‍♂️
5 months ago
Share →: I was brought up in the wild by hyenas. Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

Commentary:
"Raised by hyenas? No wonder your jokes are wild! 🦁🤣 They say laughter is the best medicine, but I hope you didn't have to resort to hyena tactics just to get a good meal! 🍗😂"