I have now spread out a blue tarpaulin in the garden. I want it to look like I have a pool on Google Maps.

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

I’m always happy when I come home from shopping and the note on the table reminds me of what I wanted to buy.

Camping? No, thank you. If I wanted to sleep outside, I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.

What electric cars and diarrhea have in common is the fear of not making it home.

Being an adult is when you ask the babysitter when you should be home.

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple.

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

Warning: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

I bought some coconut shampoo today. I got halfway home before I thought, β€œI don’t even have a coconut!”

I’m looking for friends with benefits. And by that I mean friends who have pools, boats and beautiful vacation homes.

Home is where the clothes rack stands in the way.

Don’t you hate it when you buy veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts?

I met my wife at a singles night. I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids.

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are, I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

Why would I work from home when I don’t even work from work?

My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.

Today I couldn’t find a parking space at work, so I drove back home. Looks like they have enough people there.