Gonna get my eye looked at today. Usually it’s the other way around.

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I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

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Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles.

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If you ever have a crush on someone and want it to end, listen to a podcast they are on.

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A bird just flew into our glass door. Іt’s not dead. Just really embarrassed.

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I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

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My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

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In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever! In my 40s: uh oh!

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I wish berries were the size of apples. Just imagine for a second.

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I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example, if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

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The only talent I have is spending more than I bring in.