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Sometimes you choose the GIF-war over your responsibilities.

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Savannah is one of the only girl’s names that’s also a significant “biome”.

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Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.

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The light at the end of the tunnel is only the headlight of the oncoming train.

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Putting your wedding scrapbook in the little free library is an unprecedented level of divorced.

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Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.

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Women love it when you approach them on the street and say “whoa, is there a hot babe convention in town?”

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My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

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After I drink coffee, I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.

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Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding ‘experts say’ at the beginning.