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There arenโ€™t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.

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This whole week could have been an email.

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Saw someone from high school. She said she hadnโ€™t seen me in years. Thatโ€™s likely because Iโ€™d always seen her first.

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They should invent a rom-com where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding.

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You want fast replies from a female? Argue with her!

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Iโ€™d pretend to care about football for you.

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Red Bull doesn’t give me wings, it gives me gas.

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I sent you a message telepathically and you didnโ€™t respond. Are you mad at me?

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A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice.

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Yโ€™all liking my posts feels like a little forehead kiss.

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I didn’t just turn into a grouchy old woman overnight. It took years of people letting me down, pissing me off, and dealing with idiots to get this good at it.

I didn’t just turn into a grouchy old woman overnight. It took years of people letting me down, pissing me off, and dealing with idiots to get this good at it.

Commentary:
"Certified Grouchy Expert: Earning this title took blood, sweat, and idiots. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ‘ต๐Ÿ’ช #ProfessionalCrab"

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Welcome to Wordgag! ๐Ÿ˜‰โœŒ๏ธ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ’ฅ

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Someone from ๐Ÿ‡จ๐Ÿ‡ด has shared:

Sorry, boss, I canโ€™t come in to work today, Iโ€™m gonna be playing outside.

Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ฌ๐Ÿ‡ฒ has bookmarked:

If I had today’s mind, I wouldn’t have made yesterday’s mistake. But if I hadn’t made yesterday’s mistake, I wouldn’t have today’s mind.

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Itโ€™s really hard to come back after a poorly executed high five.

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Democracy is a fine thing. The bad thing is that the stupid people are allowed to take part.

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I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever.

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Keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break.

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I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables. Turns out I was on the mothership.

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I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

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My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to itโ€™s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

Someone from ๐Ÿ‡น๐Ÿ‡ท has copied:

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.