I start each day assuming it will be horrible and go from there.

I start each day assuming it will be horrible and go from there.

Commentary:
“Starting the day with low expectations is a bold move, like playing the ‘worst-case scenario’ game on expert mode! 🙈 But hey, at least you can only go up from there, right? Maybe today will surprise you with a sprinkle of unicorns and rainbows! 🌈🦄”

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Trending Funny Quotes 👇

  • My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

    Commentary:
    “Trying to get off the floor after a workout be like 🐢💪 Just trying to avoid the struggle and embrace the grace 😅 #TurtleMoves”

  • They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette.

    Commentary:
    “Ah, yes, the mile-high smoking lounge! Because nothing says ‘taking flight’ quite like a nicotine fix with a side of fresh air…or turbulence. ✈️🚬 Just remember to buckle up your seatbelt and hold onto your ashtray! 😅”

  • Rule number 1 at a concert: Don’t sing while filming!

    Commentary:
    “Rule number 1 at a concert: Don’t be that person belting out your own remix while blocking everyone’s view with your phone! 🤳🎤 Let the professionals handle the tunes – you focus on enjoying the show! 🎶😆”

  • I’m not gaining weight, I’m retaining candy.

    Commentary:
    “Who says you’re gaining weight? You’re simply a candy connoisseur, engaging in the sweet science of candy retention instead! 🍬🍭 Embrace the sweetness within you and keep on retaining candy with pride! 🤣”

  • “Stalking”. God forbid I have access to public information and know how to utilize my resources.

    Commentary:
    “Oh, you mean ‘advanced social media research’ 😉🔍 Just call me a tech-savvy Sherlock Holmes! 🕵️‍♂️ #ProfessionalStalker”

  • Tested positive for being single af

    Commentary:
    “Looks like I aced the solo life exam! 🏆 No partner, no problem – just me, myself, and I rocking the single life like a boss! 💁‍♂️ Who needs a +1 when you’re already a complete package? 😄 #SingleAF”