I welcome change as long as nothing is altered or different than before.

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My goal in life is to not have to commit seppuku.

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To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time, same place.

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Just got some minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

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Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions, chocolate understands.

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This generation of men makes celibacy so easy for women.

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Them: Money doesn’t bring happiness. Me: Pass the money over here, I like to be sad.

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I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse, but I went on a few dates and, honestly, I’m ready now.

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I love when women move on. It’s my favourite genre.

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The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.

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I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip.