I would like even faster food.

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Dear ghosts, if you can move stuff around and flicker lights, then you can use a mop.

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Practicing how I’m gonna explain to the aliens that baseline and Vaseline do not sound the same.

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Thoughts more intrusive than a 90s sitcom neighbor.

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Microwaves have zero chill. We get it, time is up. Calm down.

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Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

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There’s really nothing as pathetic as watching a sad little man argue with Grok in hopes of manipulating the conversation to get an answer he wants.

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I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.