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Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911.

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As a sales clerk, you want to shout after some people as they leave the store: “Are you sure you’ve really REALLY touched everything?”

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Alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug, but you’re not gonna like the performance.

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If a ham is allowed to spiral then so am I.

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I’ve already sent Santa a short letter this week to say hello. Not that he thinks I only get in touch if I want something.

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I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again.

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If you think I’m rude, you should hear the voices in my head.

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If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

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When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”

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Getting a lawn sign so people know what I think today.