25 funny twice quotes - Wordgag

Haggis – the meal you have to stomach twice.

May 21, 2026

I had bad luck with women twice. The first left me, the second stayed.

May 21, 2026

Totally unrealistic movie title: “The Postman Always Rings Twice”. We all know that these guys only ring once and then leave.

May 21, 2026

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

May 21, 2026

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

May 21, 2026

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice? Also shame on you. Stop foolin’ me, I am pure.

May 20, 2026

The term “bisexual” is so confusing. Are you sexual twice a week or once every other week?

May 19, 2026

Turns out, college is all about forming unspoken, powerful bonds with people you talk to twice.

Apr 1, 2026

Not to be dramatic, but when I accidentally save a file twice and it adds that (1) at the end, it is the worst moment of my life.

Mar 31, 2026

I’m sorry I mistook all our laughs, long nights, sweet texts, and inside jokes as you caring. I’ll think twice before wasting my time again.

Mar 31, 2026

Does bisexual mean twice as sexual or once every other sexual?

Mar 31, 2026

I stop myself at least twice a day from posting a status that would make everyone grab popcorn.

Mar 31, 2026

I’m not an alcoholic, I only drink twice a year. When it’s sunny, and when it isn’t.

Mar 31, 2026

“You’re so quiet!” Thanks! I actually tried to speak twice but you kept talking over me.

Mar 28, 2026

For Valentine’s Day, I’m gift-wrapping a shirt my husband hasn’t worn in years. It’s the thought that counts—and technically, I thought of it twice.

Mar 28, 2026

I accidentally poured vodka on my orange juice this morning. Twice.

Mar 28, 2026

Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice.

Mar 27, 2026

Confucius says: “Those who drink a lot die earlier, but have seen twice as much in life.”

Mar 26, 2026

Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.

Mar 26, 2026

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk.

Mar 26, 2026

People who take naps are the real heroes. It takes courage to wake up twice in one day.

Mar 25, 2026

Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day.

Mar 25, 2026

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

Mar 25, 2026

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

Mar 25, 2026

I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.

Mar 25, 2026