If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

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Don’t ask me why, but the older you get, the more you love coffee.

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My recliner and I go way back.

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The sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time.

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Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no.

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You’re not entertaining, you are exittaining.

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Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’

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Receipts are like: Take this tiny piece of paper home with you and throw it away.

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When I was a kid, there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

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We’re all naughty, some just more than others.

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Yawning is the body’s way of telling you it has only 15% battery remaining.