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My bra isn’t just padded — it’s also filled with cookie and chip crumbs.

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Making a grown man kiss his camera on Facetime.

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Before ball parks were invented there was pretty much no way to give someone a rough estimate.

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Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake.

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That moment your alarm clock goes off in the morning and you don’t know whether to get dressed or fake an illness.

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Sorry it took so long to text you back; my social bandwidth was buffering.

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The nice thing about wintertime is that it’s darker for longer, so you see a lot less people.

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One day you’ll find someone obsessed with you. It’s probably going to be a squirrel.

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Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

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Nothing ruins a Friday like realizing it’s only Wednesday.