I’m not good at solving Pi, but I’m really good at eating it.

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Whoever invented the “skip intro” button really understood humans.

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The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time, so it’s more of a surprise.

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You’re 25, stressing like you’re 40, because you want to be rich before 30, am I right?

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Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

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I’m fat because I’m full of experiences, and most of those experiences took place at Mexican restaurants.

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My husband is trying to convince me that we’re in a situationship. “The situation is that we live in the same house and love each other.”

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Why would I work from home when I don’t even work from work?

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How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night.

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I want Wolverine claws. Not for violence or anything. I want them for easing my way through reality. Like opening an Amazon package.

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If you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds.