I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.

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If you like true crime stories, I highly recommend the history of the Catholic Church.

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Have been dipping my toe into doing Pilates, and let me tell you, women are real sickos.

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Do animals have celebrities? Like, do birds all recognize that one bird who sings really well?

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Today I was in a taxi, and the taxi driver said, “I love my job. I am my own boss, nobody tells me what to do!” Then I said, “Turn left.”

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Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone.

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Be the nonsense you wish to see in the world.

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I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse.

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There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.

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There are too many neglected emojis.

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My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.