It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.

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Dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth, which is patronizing as hell, I bet they had places to go and important shit to do.

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I know I seem a little crazy sometimes, but that’s because I AM.

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I’ve noticed that when young people now talk about “old people”, they mean me.

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Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have.

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One day you’re 18 eating pizza for every lunch, then suddenly you’re 30 and eating salad with celery and kale juice.

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She doesn’t want flowers, she wants to invoke an ancient curse.

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Bring me a higher love. You have 24 hours. No cops.

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Dating scene and the job market are the same right now, just stay where you are.

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I’m fairly certain the person who put the first “r” in February also decided how to spell Wednesday.

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Went to the toilet today without my cell phone. There are 245 tiles.