I’ve just filed a restraining order against reality.

Someone from 🇺🇬 has viewed:

I wish I had the determination of my wife, who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

Someone from 🇱🇨 has bookmarked:

I’m just a crazy person looking for a crazy person who finds me completely normal.

Someone from 🇦🇫 has downloaded:

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum, I thought he might be referencing Pokémon.

Someone from 🇭🇳 has bookmarked:

Did you know 17 muscles are activated when you’re crying? Fitness is my passion.

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I had the most impatient and rudest cashier. I’m never using self-checkout again.

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Some hoodies don’t hoodie the way other hoodies hoodie.

Someone from 🇷🇼 has viewed:

Twitter actually is my diary, so you’re not allowed to get mad at the things I post. You’re not even supposed to be reading this. Why were you going through my stuff?

Someone from 🇱🇮 has bookmarked:

I wish I could throw tomatoes at comments.

Someone from 🇲🇦 has copied:

I miss the days when our biggest argument was whether West Coast or East Coast rap was better.

Someone from 🇲🇪 has copied:

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”